Communication matters. Our words are important, however words on their own don’t have much significance unless we believe in what we say. Emotion I feel is often tied to my communication. I feel the importance of the meaning of my words and I want the listener to feel that same meaningful importance. I also find when there is a relationship between the parties communicating the emotion is that much more heightened. Recently I have been at odds with my daughter and it feels that we both are dropping words all over the place but neither one of us is coming away with the real message behind those words. To add to this word spill, strong passionate emotion is being emitted only making hearing each other that much harder. Often times my daughter and I speak to one another with this type of passion and emotion. We may think we are communicating, however we are stuck in a place of conflict.
My daughter wants to get an apartment off campus, however she cannot afford it. As she lives at home right now, she struggles to get to early classes on time growing increasingly frustrated with the commute to and from campus. She feels her solution to this issue is the apartment off campus. Ironically we do not argue over the financial issue of such a move, however we argue over her response to the issue as it stresses her out, makes her angry, and exacerbates her anxiety. I want her to calm down, step away from the anger; she maintains that I simply don’t understand.
As this is an ongoing discussion in my home, I thought perhaps approaching it from the nonviolent communication practice we would find some common ground and better hear each other. I pulled back realizing I cannot continue trying to convince her that her emotions and feelings over this situation are not valid. I also began to rethink my own emotions trying to identify what it was about this situation that was causing me so much frustration as well as causing her so much frustration. Through some reflection and use of nonviolent communication I was able to realize that I worried that her anxiety and stress would cause her to get into an accident while driving. I also worried that her anxiety would become unmanageable preventing her from focusing on her studies once at school. I wanted her to be safe and focused. Examining her side I could see that although she wanted to live on campus, the bigger issue was the fact that she does not like to be late and the morning commute is so unpredictable that she never knew if she would be late or early. The thought of being late elevated her anxiety. In addition to stepping back and giving credence to my daughters feelings as well as identifying what I really wanted for her I took on the communication role of teacher, by providing her with some techniques to help her deal with the commute as well as with dealing with her anxiety. This method will hopefully in the future alleviate some of the conflict she and I experience allowing us to be able to share our perspectives and values.
References
www.thirdside.org
Georgia nice work, I feel your stepping back technique will help you to remember what her frustration is really about if it flairs up again. We so often hear the augment was not really about A, it was really about B.
ReplyDeleteGeorgia,
ReplyDeleteIt seems harder to use our communication skills with our family members than with strangers. You are right, your children can bring out passion and anger. Stepping back and looking at your daughter's side was empathetic. Using the skills we learn in communicating will make differences in opinions and beliefs less traumatic to relationships.
Georgia,
ReplyDeleteI too have difficulty communicating with my daughter at times. Sometimes it goes great and other times it's emotionally charged and not effective. It is hard as a parent to step back and listen to our children's point of view from an adult context. I often still see my daughter as a little girl. It is hard to step back and say she is an adult and has the right to communicate her views to me. Hopefully you can communicate some stress and anxiety release strategies. If not, consider her options for living closer to campus. May she can get a part-time job to cover share expenses. Maybe an apartment within walking distance to campus instead of on campus. Maybe she could find a roommate to split expenses.
Letting children grow up is difficult! I am taking to heart the 3R's and NVC as ways to ease communication with my daughter too.
Meredith
Georgia, It is very important to know that our words are important. It can be difficult to communicate with family but that is something we have to do. My mom often tells me the same when we are having disagreements.
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