When you are enjoying a group of like-minded people one has the expectation that you would fit in, sharing some of the same ideas and beliefs. When one is a new member of a particular group, one hopes similar ideas and beliefs can be exchanged as no one wants to feel like the outsider. I am still surprised by these type of experiences; being a fairly new member of a group, believing I am truly a part of the group, but on the other hand finding out that to some degree I would simply prefer to be the outsider.
Over the last few days I have been spending time with my husband’s family. I have been a member of their familial group for about three years now. While visiting some with some friends my husband grew up with, there was reminiscing of past adventures and experiences that they had growing up. I listened gaining some insight into my husband as a young teenager. They all talked, and laughed, remembering days of the past. At one point a member of the group said, “Don’t you remember, he was a flamer” gesturing with his arm in a downward position.
I was taken aback and felt as if I was morphing slowly out of the group, watching each person’s expression, surprised at the laughter and the nodding in agreement from all the old friends. They seemed not to notice my presence, continuing to talk about this one individual. No one wondered my position on gender differences, or if I had family members or friends that are gay or lesbian. There was no thought that I might be offended by the conversation. In addition, no one at the table was concerned or troubled by the prejudices that surfaced during the conversation. Everyone was comfortable with the flow of the exchanges, except for me. The circle was however closed off from me; I was an outsider sitting alone with my thoughts.
The whole exchange left me feeling confused, sad and disappointed in myself. The reality is I am not part of the group; I am merely someone who married into the group and it was assumed that because I had married in, I shared the same beliefs as everyone else. I did not know how I was going to become a member, as the gap between our differences was far too wide, more importantly I questioned whether I truly wanted to be part of the group. Would they accept me for my differences or would they brush off my feelings and ideas? Sadly, somewhere in my thought process I defended them saying they are nice people and that they really didn’t’ mean anything by what they were saying. I was also afraid to say anything about how I really felt because my true feelings would further separate me from belonging.
The experience was rather affirming in the fact that we all on some level perpetuate prejudices and stereotypes through our silence. The silence rather loudly states it is okay to share damaging beliefs whey they are shared in a private circle, however the silence does nothing to change the stereotypes.
I found your post to be heart felt today. Our feeling sad for that person that we don’t know show our side of empathy. There is nothing wrong with that, but I have had to learn to walk away from certain conversation that I believe I can’t nor should I be a part of. Were taking this class to learn. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteGeorgia,
ReplyDeleteWow that is quite an experience to have to 'suffer' through. Did you ever discuss it with your husband? I went through a similar experience when visiting an old boyfriend/now friend. He is extremely racist and makes comments all the time but does not see himself as racist. His friends even agree with him and make similar comments. I tended to speak up though when they would say things. They live in the country and go fishing/hunting. A few of his friends, him and I were discussing fishing/hunting and things of the assort and i said that I had never done either and one of the girls says 'Wow, you really have never been fishing/hunting? You really are a city girl. You think you would go or enjoy fishing? I cant believe you have never done either!'
I was like 'Im not a city girl, just never really had the opportunity to do either or been really interested in either.' (i grew up in the suburbs, country and maybe small cities) I could not believe how shocked she was. She seemed very narrow minded and thought there was something wrong with me because I had never done either.She has never lived out of the area she lives in nor really traveled outside of the immediate area. It shocks me that there are still areas were people are so closed-minded and ignorant.
Hi Rica,
ReplyDeleteNo I did not discuss it with my husband--I was too worried that he would try to defend their statements so I just left it alone. I guess we all have to slowly stand up and say how we feel even if it causes friction--easier said than done.
I too have been in situations where it was just easier to be silent. I do agree with Georgia that as some point we need to start standing up and say how we feel but again sometimes easier said than done. Thank you for sharing your experience.
ReplyDelete