I have to admit that for some time now I have struggled with food and have yo-yo dieted since I was 12 years old. I am now 46, so that adds up to a lot of years of unhappiness with my body. Early on in my life I became aware of my body and that my body was very different from other girls my age. As family always surrounded us, we were always eating. I enjoyed my mom’s cooking and I could be found in the kitchen with her. I don’t remember the event, but I still remember my aunt’s words to me, “Your butt is so big, I can hardly see past it, what is your mother feeding you?” As she made the comment, she laughed and grabbled hold of my side and squeezed my skin between her fingers. I kitchen full of people, and no one came to my defense or even chimed in that I was a beautiful young girl. Trying to hold back tears, I giggled when she made the comment. Words escaped me at the time, and it was at that moment I realized I was different and that I was somehow defined by how I looked. Obviously, I was not thin, but rather a fat little girl who was not pleasing to be around. I did not measure up and it was at that time I began a lifetime of comparing my body to others, women who I defined as thin. “…No one, no matter how intelligent and skillful at critical thinking, is protected against the subliminal suggestions that imprint themselves on our unconscious brain” (Margles, & Margles, 2010). In addition, I realized that food consumption had to be controlled, especially when around family members. I became very conscious of what I put in my mouth when I was around my family, and would sneak off into the kitchen to eat when no one was looking. Of course this quick sneaking of food only made me feel worse; I was fat, and couldn’t control my eating. At such a pivotal time in my life, my body changing in ways that were difficult to comprehend, and to add insult to injury, I was flat out told I was unattractive.
The bias against me as it pertained to my physical appearance put me at a disadvantage, as I no longer felt equal to other girls my age. I felt like an outsider who would not be welcomed in to the “pretty, thin girl club”. I most certainly felt I was not quite good enough, and I had a “heightened concern about the gaze and perception of others” (Margles, et al., 2010). Social situations were challenging and left me feeling insecure and wondering if people were listening and interacting with the internal me, or if they were just focused on the external structure of my body.
Age and time have given me different perspective on the experience as well as how I view myself. I struggle with the notion of how to change the situation so as to create equity. I believe we as individuals cannot change the opinions and thoughts of others, but we can empower who we are by speaking up and stating our feelings and opinions. As a 12-year-old girl, I am not sure how that would have played out especially growing up in a culture that taught us children to respect our elders. As an adult, I do feel that in order to shed the feelings of oppression, I have to share my thoughts, feelings and ideas. In similar situations, I must not only speak up for myself, but I must also speak up when I see someone being treated harshly and with bias. Acting the innocent bystander only further perpetuates bias and prejudice.
Looking back at this situation, I feel that the words were not meant to be hurtful, but sadly the sting lasted a long time. I also feel that the rest of my family who stood by were shocked and did not know how to react to what was happening. I have moved beyond measuring who I am based strictly on my body—to some degree. I am however very conscious of my words and actions as it pertains to food, diet and appearance when I am around my own children, wanting them to not share in the same struggle.
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