Micro-aggression Awareness

When you are enjoying a group of like-minded people one has the expectation that you would fit in, sharing some of the same ideas and beliefs.  When one is a new member of a particular group, one hopes similar ideas and beliefs can be exchanged as no one wants to feel like the outsider.  I am still surprised by these type of experiences; being a fairly new member of a group, believing I am truly a part of the group, but on the other hand finding out that to some degree I would simply prefer to be the outsider. 

Over the last few days I have been spending time with my husband’s family.  I have been a member of their familial group for about three years now.  While visiting some with some friends my husband grew up with, there was reminiscing of past adventures and experiences that they had growing up.  I listened gaining some insight into my husband as a young teenager.  They all talked, and laughed, remembering days of the past.  At one point a member of the group said, “Don’t you remember, he was a flamer” gesturing with his arm in a downward position. 

I was taken aback and felt as if I was morphing slowly out of the group, watching each person’s expression, surprised at the laughter and the nodding in agreement from all the old friends.  They seemed not to notice my presence, continuing to talk about this one individual.  No one wondered my position on gender differences, or if I had family members or friends that are gay or lesbian.  There was no thought that I might be offended by the conversation.  In addition, no one at the table was concerned or troubled by the prejudices that surfaced during the conversation.  Everyone was comfortable with the flow of the exchanges, except for me.  The circle was however closed off from me; I was an outsider sitting alone with my thoughts.    

The whole exchange left me feeling confused, sad and disappointed in myself.  The reality is I am not part of the group; I am merely someone who married into the group and it was assumed that because I had married in, I shared the same beliefs as everyone else.  I did not know how I was going to become a member, as the gap between our differences was far too wide, more importantly I questioned whether I truly wanted to be part of the group.  Would they accept me for my differences or would they brush off my feelings and ideas?   Sadly, somewhere in my thought process I defended them saying they are nice people and that they really didn’t’ mean anything by what they were saying.  I was also afraid to say anything about how I really felt because my true feelings would further separate me from belonging. 

The experience was rather affirming in the fact that we all on some level perpetuate prejudices and stereotypes through our silence.  The silence rather loudly states it is okay to share damaging beliefs whey they are shared in a private circle, however the silence does nothing to change the stereotypes.  

Culture and Diversity - Definition

The question is simple enough, defining culture and diversity.  I had not realized it would be as challenging as it was and I had to push to get responses.  The individuals I spoke with wondered what I was really looking for and I had to remind all three of them not to give me the answer they thought I was hoping to hear.  I also wanted to see what responses I would illicit from individuals from different generations.  I first asked my husband, 50 years old, who by definition would describe himself as conservative and raised Irish Catholic for.  He hesitated with his response but defined culture as the means by which he gets through the day to day, the routine of the day.  He went on to define diversity as different cultures, people of different nationalities, races, Greeks, Latinos living amongst each other.  My 17-year-old son was next in line; he would define himself as a liberal socialist who intends to be vote in the 2012 election.  Based on how he describes himself as well as the very different social circles he interacts with, I thought he would have been more at ease at giving a response.  Culture for him means, different customs people have, how people act as well as their art and music.  Diversity he felt was simply being different and being around different cultures.  Lastly, I asked one of the teachers in my program who is a 31-year-old African American.  She felt culture is what you feel, who you are and what your people do.  She added culture is also traditions and where you come from.  Diversity is the mixing of people with different beliefs, mixed races living among each other. 

What was most interesting about their responses is the similarities regarding culture.  All the individuals questioned responded that culture is how one acts in their everyday life.  Experiences such as routines, and schedules are part of one’s culture.  What I did not hear was any expression of values and beliefs that are commonly shared among people of the same culture.  I thought each of the participants would have mentioned language in their description as we are surrounded by different mechanism such as phone prompts that ask us to choose in either English or in Spanish.  There was no single attribute; gender, age, social/economic class, other than race mentioned in any of the definitions.  I was surprised that none of the answers included any religious based descriptions, as faith gives meaning to many of the beliefs and values held by a cultural group.  As far as diversity, the answers were once again similar, different people mixing and living among each other.  I think had I probed a little bit, I would have perhaps heard descriptions of groups of people not mixing well together or particular stereotypes that exist among people of difference.  I do feel the fact that living in the D.C. area that we experience culture and diversity every day. Our communities are very mixed, but I do not think the mixing of cultures and living among each other is necessarily by choice but is rather out of economic necessity.  Many people of culture are still closed off to strangers and they tend to interact with people of the same cultural and linguistic background. 

We all know so little about each other and we also lack the desire to get to know one another beyond peripheral definitions.  I think we are so caught up in the fact that our own individual lives and culture are the right way to do things that we ignore the fact that others have ways of doing things that work for them.  To celebrate difference, we have to engage in conversation that involves asking questions and sharing opinions without fear of ridicule.  

My Family Culture

How does one choose just three items representative of family culture?  Even more jarring is being faced with the possibility of starting anew in a new country and you are the minority culture.  My thoughts are jumbled as I am cataloging items of importance that would speak of my family culture.  How much of my family culture do I share all at once; do I focus on the external culture based on my olive-skinned appearance or the holidays we celebrate as a culture? Perhaps those characteristics are too superficial.    

I would most definitely bring a picture of my family, one that included my own children, parents and older brother, but one that included my aunts, uncles and cousins as they made up my entire cultural life.  My history is tied to all of them and growing up they were my social, and emotional circle.  My family, parents included gave definition to who I am, they were the driving force behind many of my choices and decisions.  The importance of my children being in the picture is the testament to the importance of my family culture and I have since passed on that culture to them so that it can be carried forward. 

Me and my children

Me with my mom, children and aunt

Along with the picture, I would bring a recipe of my favorite Greek meal.  My mom passed on recipes to me that I still prepare for my family.  The sharing of food, the different ingredients, the different tastes and textures are one way to get to know someone who is different.  Food connects us to our place of origin and is a non-invasive way to welcome strangers into our midst allowing they an opportunity to get to know us. 

My husband, my mom, my children and a family friend

I would then bring a gold cross that was given to me when I was just a baby and baptized into the Greek Orthodox faith.  The cross represents my religious beliefs.  The cross is also a mechanism that grounds me and provides me hope and understanding for the many challenges my family endured and that I have faced in my life.  My cross is the symbol of what keeps me moving forward.

   

Initially I was torn and saddened that I would be able to only keep one item.  How could I possible give up the picture of my heritage, my family?  I could describe them one by one keeping my story visible.  I could also write my story so that it would be preserved, so I chose to hold on to my cross.  The wearing of the cross would be an obvious, visible object of difference from my new home of which I am a stranger.  It is important for me to be the “different” one, as I cannot possible be like the culture I have now been immersed in.  The cross would raise questions that I would then be able to address, describing not only the meaning behind the cross, but describing the family which first gave me the cross and helped make me who I am.  It would be a constant reminder of my family, the values given to me by them along with the characteristics I display when doing things.  The cross would also be a source of strength and faith to help me survive in this new place. 

A Greek Orthodox Church in Athens, Greece

 I struggled to come up with a third item as I felt the family picture and my cross were sufficient.  I realized that I wanted to be noticed in this different country; I did not want to be like everyone else—that felt too sterile and robotic.  I wanted my characteristics to shine through and I wanted to be able to carry something that would be visible at all times and raised questions.  I believe though conversation we can keep our own culture alive and breathing, preserving it into the future.  I did want to live among the new culture in a peaceful accepting manner, but I also realized I did not want to be like the new culture; I wanted my culture to live alongside their culture.